(Dreaded Damn Deadlines)
Chapter Ten in the Saga of Just a Brazen Hussy
Latest Photo of George's car

So, Big Dick stands up at the Friday morning gala and says something to the effect that we better get our rods ready for the Big Trip because he ain’t allowing any “civilian cars”. Claudette then leans over and whispers into my bad ear, “If we can’t take the Audi, are you going to have the Hussy ready for the Big Trip?” Now I have a Dreaded Damn Deadline.

Lanny isn’t a big help either. When I lean across the work bench on the following Monday morning and pose Claudette’s question, his response is something like you’ll want to have the Brazen Hussy done several weeks before the Big Trip, because you’ll will want to have time to drive it and repair all of the problems (‘Bugs’, he says) before you leave, because fixing them on the Big Trip ain’t cool. The D3 is now looming closer.

What’s the Big Trip you ask? Well, it seems that every even numbered year, Big Dick plans a rod run to some exotic location (?) that will have a car show. And the 45 idiots who sign up to go are then broken (and I’m told that is the correct word) into “pods” of 8 or 9 cars each, with the intent of showing what excess is all about (too fast, too much food, too much wine, too much of everything, including showing off). Plus, we get to bring our “Significant Others” who will, most assuredly, be capable of reminding us of everything we are doing that is wrong. And added to that, there will be all of the stories that will be told, for the next umpteen years, for anyone who will be willing to listen for the fourteenth time, about who screwed up, and how, and how stupid and/or funny it was. Well, when I learned about this semi annual ritual, I knew that I would fit right in and became determined to go. Thus, when Big Dick announced, some nine months ago, that the Big Trip was on and was going to Coeur d’ Lane, Idaho I, immediately, signed up. It didn’t matter that the Brazen Hussy wasn’t finished. I’d have lot of time! (Sometimes, my ignorance isn’t so blissful!)

Of course, you now must ask. “How soon will the Brazen Hussy be finished?” And I must reply that if you are asking that question you have never had any experience with D3. It means that you have never built a house or even remodeled one, or tried to get a loan on a house. It means that you have never had your ever-loving, best friend (wife, to those of you who are a bit on the slow side) ask when the garage is going to be clean because she is going to have her friends over for a small (?) party and she absolutely does not want to be embarrassed by that pig sty that is lurking behind the garage doors; plus, isn’t it about time she gets to park her car in the garage, like all of her friends do? It means that you have never worked a day in your life, because all work is one Dreaded Damn Deadline after another.

Over the years I have evolved “Paige’s Rule for D3”. It’s easy! Take the amount of time you think you will need to finish the job. Triple it! Then add two weeks. This seems to work best with a lot of prayer. It also means that you will be injuring some part of your body in the process of meeting the Dreaded Damn Deadline. (You should see my hands. On second thought, you don’t want to see my hands!)

According to Paige’s Rule, I ain’t gonna make it. But then again, maybe I will.

Since we last met on these hallowed pages, much has happened to the Hussy. All body parts are in place, and in my humble opinion, looking real bitchin. Bill Klingler has done a magnificent job on the body and paint. And after a few false starts, everything fits. (If I ever do another rod, and Claudette says I won’t, all body panels are going to be joined by zippers – it will make everything so much easier.)

All of the electrics work – at least we think they do. The speedo is a question mark. We jacked the truck up so the rear wheels would spin (also, so it would make it so much easier to crawl under the beastie – which we seem to be doing quite often). We fired it up (oh Lordly, it sounds so good), engaged drive, released the chromed hand brake and spun them wheels. No MPH! Lanny tested to see if the signal generator was working. (Hey, you do remember the signal generator from the last chapter, don’t you? This is a test!) It was! Was there continuity in the wiring? (If you don’t know about continuity, you’ll have to sign up for Auto Electrical 102 – it starts in June.) There was! We read the instructions. (We were desperate!) Last resort was to call the manufacturer. The tech rep said, three times, that the car had to be on the ground and moving, and when we pressed the red button, it would all work correctly. (Lanny swears it was a recording.) We gave up and are hoping that the tech rep was right. (Of course, Pat Carr had his answer to the problem. “Hot Rods don’t need no stinking speedometers.” Ya – right Pat. Just like they don’t need no windshield wipers and lights and bumpers and fenders and spare tires and radios . . .)

So on Thursday I’ll roll it out of Lanny’s emporium and down the hill to Dan Fletcher’s Auto Glass to have windows installed. (Oh, I forgot – Pat says I don’t need no stinking windows either.) Then I’ll need to get the front end aligned. Then I’ll put in the bed wood – it’s ready to be installed. And then Claudette and I will install the Rod Doors interior. The seats and the seat belts are in place and, hallelujah, the wiring for the seat controls work. (Yes, Pat said I don’t need no stinking interior – just some seats! Hey Pat, when you think about it, do you ever wonder why no woman wants to be in your life? And then Lanny says that I could drive the truck to Coeur d’ Lane without an interior. It’s annoying when Lanny agrees with Pat!)

So maybe I’ll make this D3 after all. But just in case, for any of you suckers – oops, strike that – wonderful gentlemen, who are on Big Dick’s Big Trip waiting list, check in with me regularly. I might be coerced into not making this Dreaded Damn Deadline with a substantial bribe. But then again, maybe my hands will heal enough so that I can drive. [TOP]